Mele Kalikimaka

25 December 2016

Christmas day 2016 marked my first “regular” IF eating day after my winter solstice 3-day fast. No longer restricted to just fruits and vegetables, my choices became limited only by my location and cooking skills. For our IF eating days, we do not “restrict” any food. We can eat anything we want. However, we have to eat it within an eight-hour window. Eight hours is a very short amount of time in which to eat for the day, let alone two days (since we essentially fast every other day), so we “want” nutritionally dense food to fuel our bodies. No snickers. No Oreos. No candy. If it doesn’t have vitamins, minerals, protein, complex carbohydrates, and good fats, we don’t want it.

The Christmas Day Invite and Secret Weapon

My friend, feeling sorry for me that I would be eating alone on Christmas Day, invited me to her and her son’s Christmas feast. Me, feeling sorry for myself that I would be eating alone on Christmas Day, accepted. I asked what fare would be gracing her table. She told me roast beef and chicken and other stuff. Every once in a while on intermittent fasting it is okay to splurge. However, the first regular eating day after a 3-day fast is probably not the best day. Being Christmas, I decided that an exception needed to be made. I went right to the store and bought them some small gifts and me a secret weapon against the upcoming meatfest. My secret weapon of choice, which would help me to digest the meat: pineapple.

Pineapple contains brolemain, an enzyme that helps to break down the proteins in meat. It would work wonders in helping me to digest my friend’s chicken and roast beef. Cooks use brolemain as a meat tenderizer. Officially recognized medically as a dead skin remover for severe burns, brolemain only has anecdotal evidence in other areas of medicine. It reportedly helps with osteoarthritis; enzyme therapy; and breast, colorectal, and plasmacytoma cancer. Perhaps, I hold out a little hope that it will help with my colon problems, but for now, all I need it for is to help with the breakdown of meat; so that it does not sit in my bowels and putrefy.

The intended day arrived, I showed up with my gifts, and socialized as best I could before the dinner. She prepared the plates, habit probably, and she served me three big pieces of chicken, white meat, and two decent slabs of roast beef. The rest of the meal consisted of mixed vegetables, broccoli flowerets, roasted potatoes, cranberry jelly, and gravy (gravy makes everything taste good). Not a bad Christmas spread. The chicken breast tasted good with plenty of gravy. I prefer dark meat, but beggars can’t be choosy. The rest of the meal tasted good with lots of gravy, also. I never got any cranberry jelly. Oh well. I saved the roast beef to the end. Her child refused to eat his hunks of roast beef, and even she did not finish hers. Politeness dictated that I eat as much of mine as I could.

Even If It Hurts

Now, if you have ever seen or read “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” by Dr. Seuss, you are familiar with “roast beast.” The image of roast beast popped into my head upon first bite. I chewed the initial piece for about sixty seconds and had not made a dent in diminishing the chunk. Its resilience resembled India rubber in consistency. I began to think that the brolemain in the pineapple might not be strong enough to help me with this job. Meat takes about five hours to digest in the stomach. This roast beast would defiantly sit there for at least that long. It seemed like it might take my stomach five years to digest this piece of meat. My ex-wife’s lack of cooking skills taught me how to consume food not suitable for human consumption and appear to enjoy it. That training came in handy for this dish. In went a piece of roast beast and in went a piece of roast potato and down the throat it all slid. I forced a smile as it slipped down my gullet. However, politeness only goes so far. In all, I labored through a slab and a half and tactfully declared my satiety. Although, I did have room left for a piece of cherry pie.

Two hours later found me at home devouring my Christmas pineapple. I had arranged a chat with my daughter over FaceTime, and I ate the pineapple the entire conversation. So strong was the acid and brolemain in this fruit that by the end of the pineapple my tongue bled. That’s when you know that it is working. And happily I report that it definitely did work. One would notice huge chunks of roast beast exiting the body, and I did not.

I actually did enjoy the company and the meal, so in retrospect I would do it all over again if need be, albeit, a tad bit less roast beast.

Please take my advice if you want to be healthy: if you plan on eating a lot of meat, eat pineapple also to help with the digestion. You don’t need to eat it until your tongue bleeds, just a little will do.

Anyway, as Bing Crosby says, “Mele kalikimaka is the thing to say on a bright Hawiian Christmas day,” and until next time, stay fast and fit!

 

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